


Ethereal

by merlypops



Series: Beautiful Words - 5SOS Stories [21]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Child Abandonment, Depression, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad, Sad Michael, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Song Lyrics, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2014-10-02
Packaged: 2018-02-19 15:05:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2392709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlypops/pseuds/merlypops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Calum remembers asking Michael why he walked out of class more and more at a sleepover one night when they were both about nine, and he remembers how Michael hesitated for a moment before he whispered through the darkness: “I don’t want them to see me cry.”'</p><p>
  <b>Michael's heart is crumbling in his chest but Calum won't ever give up on him.</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ethereal

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz.  
> I... am _so_ sorry for this fic.  
>  Also blame this cover for all of my feels (this also happens in the story): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbiR7fv6Lss  
> Enjoy... hopefully...

**ethereal**

_extremely delicate and light in a way that seems not to be of this world_

 

Calum Hood remembers how his best friend Michael Clifford had always been a bit fragile.

He remembers how Michael sometimes reminded him of those pretty little figurines that littered the shelves at his nan’s house. They were made of these delicate whorls of glass, twisting and curling together in shapes that looked almost _ethereal_ to a young Calum’s dark eyes. He remembers how, whenever he got too close to them or tried to pick one up, his nan would appear and say: “Be _gentle_ with that, Cal. You don’t want to hurt it, do you?” and Calum remembers how he _really_ didn’t want to do that.

He remembers how he and Michael played a lot together as kids, best friends from their very first day at the same pre-school. Calum remembers how he had been frightened, clinging to his mum and trying not to cry because the school looked _scary_ and he didn’t know anyone, and Calum remembers how this unfamiliar little boy with fluffy blond hair and bright emerald eyes trotted over to him, introduced himself as ‘Mikey Clifford’ and ordered Calum to come and see the cool picture of the yellow airplane that decorated the label beside the peg where he had to hang his coat up.

(Calum remembers having a Dalmatian on his peg and being secretly _ecstatic_ and he remembers when Michael told Calum in a very serious voice that his parents had a black poodle named Federer. Calum remembers being so excited he nearly tripped over his own feet as he hurried after his new friend, begging to be told more about the dog.)

Calum remembers how Michael always sat hunched up really small in class, like he didn’t really want to be seen, and Calum remembers how much that confused him because, sometimes, Michael was _really_ naughty in class. He threw his books on the floor and broke the pencils and, occasionally, he’d even walk out and hide somewhere he wouldn’t even tell _Calum_ about when he got upset in a lesson.

Calum remembers asking Michael _why_ he walked out of class more and more at a sleepover one night when they were both about nine, and he remembers how Michael hesitated for a moment before he whispered through the darkness: “I don’t want them to see me cry.”

Calum remembers how he got sad then and cuddled his best friend close, snuggling up and clinging to him like a limpet, and he remembers mumbling right back: “But you cried in PE the other week when Luke accidentally kicked the football at your face” and, once Michael had finished glowering (because he _always_ did that when Luke Hemmings was mentioned) and Calum had gently stroked the still-fading bruise that stained Michael’s soft cheek with his fingertips, the older boy had shrugged stiffly and said: “I don’t think that’s the same thing.”

Calum remembers not knowing what to say then and simply settling for pulling Michael closer and resting his chin on the older boy’s shoulder as they huddled up together under Michael’s Dragon Ball Z duvet because his mum had once told him that actions spoke louder than words, and Calum was sometimes too shy to use his words.

He remembers how Michael made this sad little sighing sound when he thought Calum was asleep, and Calum remembers how he turned over, bopped Michael lightly on the nose because that almost _always_ made him giggle, except if he was really, _really_ sad, and said: “You wanna watch Sword Art Online on the laptop?”

Calum remembers the slow smile that spread over Michael’s face then and he remembers how he felt relieved.

(Calum _also_ remembers how they got next to no sleep that night and both fell asleep at their desks in maths the next day, but Calum conveniently forgot to mention that part to his parents.)

Calum remembers looking at his best friend sometimes, when the older boy didn’t realise it, and thinking that Michael was beautiful but easily broken, and Calum remembers how _protective_ he felt when he realised that for the first time, and how _determined_ he was that he would always keep Michael whole and happy and _safe_ , whatever the cost.

*

Michael remembers how he felt a lot older than thirteen when he was in Year 8.

He remembers how _tired_ he felt – _bone_ -tired – like his limbs were too heavy to walk properly so he had to drag them around everywhere. He remembers how his hair was limp against his forehead and his eyes didn’t gleam anymore – he knew this because Calum had commented on it sadly once – and Michael remembers how he didn’t even have the energy to hate _Luke_ anymore or stand up for himself and Calum when some of the older students were mean to them sometimes.

Michael remembers feeling out of his depth.

He remembers how his life felt a lot like a stormy ocean with waves battering him from every side, and it was all Michael could do to stay _afloat_ , let alone swim. Michael remembers how everything going on around him was a dull roar, a whirlwind of colours, a tumultuous clap of thunder and a crack of lightning which quickly faded away and left the world dark again.

Michael remembers how there were only two things back then that could cut through the icy _numbness_ that flooded his veins like liquid nitrogen.

Michael remembers how _one_ of those was bright, a glowing beacon shining through the darkness and taking him away from the pain for a while, a bit like a lighthouse. Michael remembers how it was _Calum_.

He remembers how his best friend always knew _just_ what to do, even if he _didn’t_ always have the right words to comfort him with. Michael remembers how Calum would pet his hair when he was feeling sad and how he wouldn’t make Michael talk if he didn’t want to.

Michael remembers how Calum brought his mum’s brownies round that Mali had decorated with pink sprinkles, and Michael remembers how Calum would let Michael choose one first and what movie they were going to watch, and how they’d sit cuddled up under a blanket with Michael’s head resting on Calum’s shoulder as they ate the brownies, and Michael remembers how they wouldn’t stop until the hole in Michael’s chest didn’t feel so gaping anymore.

Michael remembers how the _other_ thing that cut through the deadness he felt inside of him _wasn’t_ like a lighthouse.

He remembers how it was more like a black hole instead, drawing in all of the bad emotions Michael felt but also the _good_ ones and leaving him with nothing which, occasionally, was all Michael could dare to hope for.

Because there might have been no happiness or love and maybe the numbness _did_ feel even worse then but the sharp sting of the blades running across his arms took away the _agony_ of everything else, even if it _was_ only for a few moments.

Michael remembers how, in those silent handful of seconds, he felt no pain, no fear, no desperation, no loneliness.

He remembers how he felt nothing at all.

(And then Michael remembers how all of the emotions came rushing back once the blood had dried on his arms, stealing the breath from his lungs and attempting to _crush_ him, just like they _always_ did, and Michael remembers how it wasn’t enough.

It was _never_ enough.)

*

Calum remembers how, as time went on, Michael got quieter and quieter.

He remembers how Michael no longer walked out of classes. He simply didn’t turn up to school instead. Calum remembers how much he _missed_ his best friend, even if he _wasn’t_ on his own at school because, as time went by, he found himself talking to Luke more.

Calum remembers how they would talk quietly at lunchtimes sometimes, their heads bowed together as Calum worried about Michael and Luke tried to comfort him. Calum remembers how he texted Michael whenever he could get away with it at school (which wasn’t actually that often, unfortunately) and Calum remembers when he stopped feeling _worry_ and started feeling _fear_ instead.

He remembers how he used to go round Michael’s house after school almost _every_ single day, just to check on him, and he remembers how he _always_ found the same thing: Michael’s parents out or nowhere to be seen, and Michael lying on his back on his bedroom floor, staring up at the ceiling blankly with long-sleeved jumpers on and pale, pinched cheeks.

Calum remembers how he saw the bags under Michael’s eyes, dark and bruised-looking, and he remembers how he could sometimes _tell_ that Michael didn’t want him there, but also that Michael would never forgive him if he told anyone, so on those occasions, Calum would simply go downstairs, put the television on and sit uneasily on Michael’s sofa while whatever cartoon he had chosen ran its course. Sometimes Michael would come downstairs and snuggle up silently beside him with his arms looped tightly around Calum’s waist, and sometimes he wouldn’t.

It was as simple as that.

(Calum wondered why something so simple _hurt_ so much.)

*

Michael remembers when the school rang his mum and told her the same thing they _always_ told her – “Your son _needs_ to attend school, Mrs. Clifford, or we’ll be forced to contact the police” – and Michael remembers how maybe she’d finally had enough then because she told them she would make sure he did in a sugary sweet voice that Michael _immediately_ mistrusted and then she had slapped hard him across the face when she’d hung up the phone before telling him to stop making her look bad.

Michael remembers how he _had_ to go back to school after that, but he _also_ remembers how he might as well have stayed at home.

He remembers how he drifted around school like a ghost, his eyes lifeless, his skin pale from lack of sunlight, his mouth permanently downturned at the corners.

Michael remembers how Calum tried to bop him on the nose once outside class and Michael remembers how Calum’s face slowly crumpled when he realised that Michael didn’t giggle anymore. He didn’t even _smile_ these days.

Michael remembers how Calum choked out: “ _I’m so sorry. I was meant to keep you safe_ ” and Michael remembers how the faintest feeling of curiosity that had flared up inside him at those words slowly fizzled out.

Michael remembers how he barely heard him.

*

Calum remembers how, as they got older and were heading towards the end of school, he felt like he was losing Michael.

He remembers how Luke had a YouTube channel that he uploaded covers onto and Calum remembers finding it one day and wondering aloud whether Luke would let him join him for a video. Calum remembers how Luke said yes, because Calum could play bass and Luke could play guitar and they could _both_ sing so they would probably sound pretty good together (at least that had been Luke’s reasoning), and Calum remembers how Luke let him choose the cover and how the _only_ song Calum could think of was ‘ _Give Me Love_ ’ by Ed Sheeran because it was how Michael made him feel.

He remembers how he and Luke got the song spot-on in one take and how they watched it back in silence with Luke’s hand resting gently on Calum’s shoulder because he was _shaking_ as he listened to the lyrics.

“ _Give a little time to me or burn this out, We'll play hide and seek to turn this around, All I want is the taste that your lips allow, My, my, my, my, oh give me love_.”

Calum remembers how he didn’t even realise he was _crying_ until Luke folded him tightly into his arms and Calum remembers feeling pathetic as he sobbed into Luke’s neck because he had never imagined he could _ever_ feel like this.

He remembers how Luke pressed a soft kiss to the top of Calum’s head because he didn’t seem to know what else to do, and Calum remembers clutching at Luke tightly as Michael’s face swam before his eyes because the _last_ time Calum had seen him, he’d _also_ seen the cuts and the scars marring the soft white skin of Michael’s arms, new and old, intermingling and terrifying and _agonising_ to look at.

Calum remembers how it was like Michael was dangling from a cliff, his fingers wrapped desperately around Calum’s wrist. He remembers how it felt quite a lot like Michael was slipping through his fingers, like water or sand that was impossible to hold onto, and despite this, Calum remembers _knowing_ that he could never let him go because Michael would fall then, and there was no one else left to catch him.

“He’ll be okay, Cal. I _p-promise_ ,” Luke had whispered, his voice breaking as he blinked back tears, and Calum had only clung to him tighter. “I _know_ he’s sad right now but we just need to distract him, yeah? Do some fun stuff and show him that he’s not on his own.”

Calum remembers how he considered that as a sob bubbled out of him.

“We could ask him to do a video with us, couldn’t we?” he had asked slowly, and Calum remembers how Luke pressed his lips together hard, like he was trying not to cry at the pain he could see on his friend’s face, as he nodded jerkily.

“You should text him.”

*

Michael remembers actually _feeling_ something when he read the text from Calum.

**[From CAL PAL] Received at 19:23**

**_just chilling at luke’s and we filmed a video. wondered if you wanted to drop by later with your guitar? know you haven’t played it in a while but you could lay down a beat for us instead if you wanted? dude, we just want to see you. it’d be awesome and we don’t even have to upload a video if you don’t want to. we could just jam or something. please think about it, mikey. we miss you. i miss you. a lot. cal xxxxxx_ **

Michael remembers how he felt _panic_ , first and foremost, and then incredulity because he knew barely _anything_ about ‘laying down a beat’, as Calum had said.

And then he had felt a rush of fondness at the ending of the text.

‘ _I miss you too, Cal. More than you know_ ,’ Michael had thought bitterly, suddenly surprised at himself because, god, he even missed _Luke_ and that was saying something.

Michael remembers knowing though that, despite this, he _really_ didn’t want to go.

Michael remembers deciding to go anyway though because he hadn’t felt _anything_ in a long time and this was something. It _had_ to be.

**[To CAL PAL] Sent at 19:45**

**_I guess I’ve got time to come round for a bit. But I’m not laying down any damn beats. I don’t know shit about that. Looks like we need to find ourselves a drummer, doesn’t it? Heading out to the bus stop now. I’ll be like twenty minutes. Don’t fret. ;P M_ **

Michael remembers how he hesitated after sending that – and how _hard_ it was pretending to be upbeat – and then he remembers how he tapped out another message as he drifted down the pavement outside, his guitar bag slung across one shoulder as a light rain began to fall, soaking his hoodie and his hair.

**[To CAL PAL] Sent at 19:47**

**_I guarantee I miss you more… Mikey xxxx_ **

*

Calum remembers how things got crazy.

He remembers how it felt like everything was spiralling out of control because what had started as a tiny garage band – made up of him, Michael, Luke, and their new best friend and drummer Ashton Irwin – had blown up way bigger than any of them had _ever_ thought possible.

Calum remembers how it was all because Louis Tomlinson of _One Direction_ had tweeted about them online and they had gone viral within _minutes_. He remembers how Niall Horan started tweeting about them soon after too, and then how they got followed by all of the band members and how they started to direct message each other on Twitter and how they got asked to _go on tour with the most famous band in the world_.

Calum remembers so much that it’s all blurred together into a deafening, roaring but oh-so _fleeting_ dream, rushing through their fingertips and tossing them about like they’re stuck in a river with a current that’s just that little bit _too_ strong, and Calum remembers how it feels like his feet aren’t touching the floor properly anymore, that he’s about to float off somewhere and the only thing preventing him from drifting off into the ether is his bandmates… is _Michael_ , holding his hand and anchoring him there and telling him that everything was going to be okay, even though he didn’t believe it himself.

*

Calum remembers how it was harder for Michael to hide nowadays.

He remembers how Michael got really distressed during photo-shoots sometimes because they wanted him to wear something short-sleeved or whatever. Calum remembers how sometimes they’d placate him enough that he’d let them cover the scars with makeup but there were _some_ occasions – and these _still_ broke Calum’s heart more than he cared to admit – where he refused to wear anything but long-sleeved shirts or jumpers because the cuts were still _new_ and fresh.

Calum remembers thinking that words were useless, since he’d just stutter and mess them up anyway if he was panicking, so actions were better. He remembers how, on times like these, when Michael was feeling like they were ganging up on him or that he was being pushed into a corner, Calum would simply take his hand and lead him somewhere else more quiet. He remembers how they’d just sit together on the floor in an abandoned corridor somewhere while Calum held his best friend in his arms and kissed him wherever he could reach – his cheeks, his forehead, his knuckles, his neck, his nose, sometimes even his _lips_. (Calum remembers how those times were secretly his favourite.)

Calum remembers how, sometimes, even _after_ he had calmed Michael down, the older boy would still look lost and confused and angry and, worst of all, _frightened_.

Calum remembers how it was at times like these that maybe words _would_ be useful… but Calum just didn’t use his own. He _sang_ instead, since Michael had always had a soft spot for that, and Calum remembers how it was no different on one occasion in particular that stood out more than most: the first time Michael kissed _him_ , instead of the other way around.

*

Calum remembers how Michael was slumped on his bed in their shared hotel room, staring listlessly out of the window at the rain running down the glass when Calum had emerged from the bathroom, his hair towel-dried and probably ridiculously fluffy as he sat down at the foot of the bed, stroking the barely exposed skin of Michael’s pale ankle gently as he bit his lip, thinking hard.

“I’m gonna sing for you,” Calum remembers deciding aloud and he remembers how Michael made a small noise of assent then as Calum climbed up from the bed and retrieved Michael’s guitar. (He remembers how Michael raised an eyebrow incredulously but also how his lips twitched just the _faintest_ bit, and Calum remembers knowing that it was okay and being _happy_ because he’d thought of this idea a little while ago and he’d been practising.)

Calum remembers how Michael was still curled up on his side, facing away from Calum, but the younger boy _also_ remembers how Michael’s head was tilted a little bit towards him to indicate that he was listening, his eyes tired and his red hair a stark contrast to his pale skin.

Calum remembers strumming the first few familiar chords before he began to sing.

“ _When I look into your eyes, it's like watching the night sky, or a beautiful sunrise; well there's so much they hold, and just like them old stars, I see that you've come so far to be right where you are. How old is your soul?_ ”

Calum remembers when Michael made this tiny sniffling sound and rolled over so that he was facing Calum, his eyes pressed tightly shut as he bit his bottom lip hard. Calum remembers wanting nothing more than to kiss the pain away from Michael’s face then, but he remembers making himself stay where he was because it wasn’t _fair_. Michael most likely didn’t feel the same way and, even if he _did_ , he wasn’t in the right frame of mind right now. Calum could see that, even if it _did_ hurt him too.

Calum remembers how the next verse seemed to be a little _too_ close to the truth and he remembers how Michael froze when he heard it, like he was thinking the same thing.

“ _I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up_.”

Calum remembers how he swallowed past the lump in his throat when Michael opened his green eyes then because they were glassy with tears and there was some undecipherable emotion buried _deep_ beneath the surface that made Calum’s heart race.

“ _And when you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find_.”

Calum held Michael’s gaze then and neither broke it as Calum’s fingers drifted across the strings as the music grew louder. Calum remembers raising his voice a little, just a tiny bit, because the song required it but also because there was too much emotion lodged in his chest and it felt like it was _choking_ him and playing music or being with Michael had always been the only ways he knew of to let it out. (Calum thinks they _still_ are now, if he’s being honest with himself.)

“ _'Cause even the stars they burn; some even fall to the earth! We've got a lot to learn; God knows we're worth it!_ ” Calum remembers taking a deep, steadying breath because one of the tears in Michael’s eyes had slipped over and it was breaking Calum’s _heart_. “ _No, I won't give up…_ ”

He remembers how the tiniest watery smile twisted Michael’s lips then because he _loved_ this bit and Calum made sure to get it as perfect as possible.

“ _I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily. I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences, they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts. We got, yeah, we got a lot at stake! And in the end, you're still my friend; at least we didn't tend for us to work; we didn't break, we didn't burn. We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in. I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not… And who I am!_ ”

Calum remembers how Michael had pushed himself up into a sitting position then and, even as the tears ran down his cheeks unchecked, he shuffled nearer, sitting as close as he could without knocking the guitar resting on Calum’s lap.

When Michael joined in too, Calum remembers the tears he was fighting to hold in finally boiling over. (And he remembers not even caring a _bit_.)

“ _I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up! I won't give up on us. God knows I'm tough, he knows! We got a lot to learn. God knows we're worth it_!”

Calum remembers falling completely silent then but continuing to play the chords, and he remembers how Michael’s green eyes widened for a moment before, in a much shakier and quieter voice, he softly sang the last verse.

“ _I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up..._ ”

Calum remembers setting the guitar on the bed beside him gently and swallowing past the lump in his throat that was doing its best to choke him.

“Please don’t stop looking up, Mikey,” Calum remembers choking out as Michael’s hand shot out, seemingly of its own accord, and gripped Calum’s tightly, still comforting his oldest friend even in his anguish. “ _Please_ don’t give up.”

“I won’t,” Calum remembers Michael saying so quickly that it looked like he’d surprised _himself_ too. “I _can’t_. Not now. I love you too much.”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Calum remembers sobbing out and then his brain had short-circuited because Michael had stretched forwards and pressed his lips gently to Calum’s, his fingers winding into Calum’s dark, still slightly damp hair as he deepened the kiss.

Calum remembers how his hands flew up to grip Michael’s shoulders gently, remembers how one drifted up further and knotted gently into Michael’s fiery red hair, so bright but not _nearly_ as bright as the old gleam in Michael’s eyes that Calum hadn’t seen for _so_ long when he drew back finally for air.

He remembers how he and Michael simply sat and stared at each other for a long time in the silence that followed that before, with a hint of wonder on his face, Calum said: “I love you too” and lightly bopped Michael on the nose.

(Calum remembers this _stupid_ , watery smile spreading across his face then when Michael giggled, even if the sound _was_ faint and sounded a little strange after such a long time. Calum remembers thinking that it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard.)

“You’re so beautiful, Mikey,” Calum remembers breathing out in awe, and quickly continuing when Michael frowned like he was going to disagree. “Hey, I know you don’t see it now but I’m going to keep telling you _everyday_ until you believe me, even if it takes forever. Okay?”

“Sure, good luck with that,” Calum remembers Michael mumbling sarcastically but Calum _also_ remembers seeing the faint glimmer of _hope_ in his beautiful green eyes.

“I’m never going to give up,” Calum remembers promising, and it was true. He never did.

(Calum’s still trying now and, one day, he _knows_ Michael will believe him. Calum just has to wait until then. He’ll wait _forever_ for Michael because he loves him, because he’s his whole _world_.

No one else matters.)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just really sad and I'm sorry.  
> Please let me know what you thought of this by leaving comments and kudos!  
> Thank you :)


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